Domestic Violence
Domestic violence isn’t limited to any one gender, age, or socioeconomic group and can happen in intimate relationships, whether married, dating, or cohabiting.
Domestic violence (DV) or Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) is a pattern of behaviors used by one person in a relationship to gain or maintain control over another. It can occur in many forms—physical, emotional, psychological, financial, sexual, and even through stalking or digital abuse. Domestic violence isn’t limited to any one gender, age, or socioeconomic group and can happen in intimate relationships, whether married, dating, or cohabiting.
POWER & CONTROL WHEEL
The Power and Control Wheel is a tool created by the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project (DAIP) in Duluth, Minnesota, to help understand the patterns of abusive behaviors in intimate partner relationships. It depicts how different tactics used by the abuser are all centered around gaining and maintaining control over the victim.
TYPES OF ABUSE
Domestic violence can manifest in various forms, often overlapping with one another. Below are the different types:
This is the most visible form of abuse, including hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, or any other kind of physical harm.
This includes undermining the victim’s sense of self-worth, making them feel worthless, or manipulating them into believing they are the cause of the abuse. It may involve verbal abuse such as insults, threats, and belittling, or psychological tactics such as gaslighting (making the victim doubt their perception of reality).
Forcing or coercing a partner into sex or any sexual acts without consent. This can also include sexual exploitation or taking advantage of someone through threats or manipulation.
Controlling the victim’s access to money, preventing them from working, or stealing from them. The goal is often to make the victim financially dependent on the abuser, thus making it harder for them to leave.
Using technology to stalk, harass, or control a partner. This can include checking the victim’s messages, tracking their location, threatening to post embarrassing pictures or personal information online, or using social media to monitor or manipulate them.
HELPING A FRIEND OR LOVED ONE
- Create a safe space: Ensure your friend feels comfortable sharing their experiences. Let them know you’re there to listen, not to judge.
- Believe them: It’s crucial that your friend feels believed and supported. Don’t dismiss their feelings or minimize the abuse, even if you don’t fully understand the situation.
- Be patient: Victims of domestic violence often experience fear, confusion, or shame. They might not be ready to leave immediately, so give them time and space.
- Don’t blame them: Remind your friend that they are not responsible for the abuse. It’s common for victims to feel shame or guilt, so try to avoid making them feel like they should have done something differently.
- Avoid telling them what to do: While it’s natural to want to tell them to leave the relationship, try not to push them. Leaving an abusive partner can be extremely difficult and dangerous. Support them in exploring options without pressure.
- Share helpful resources like VIP: Offer contact information for domestic violence shelters, hotlines, legal assistance, and counseling services. If your friend is hesitant to reach out, you can help by calling with them or helping them research services.
- VIP’s crisis line and text line = 570-253-4401
- Safety during an abusive incident: Talk about how your friend can stay safe if an incident of abuse occurs, such as creating an emergency exit plan, where to go, and who to call. Check out the section below for a safety plan check list!
- Safety when leaving: If they decide to leave, work together to make sure they have a safe place to go and know how to get there. This might include taking a cell phone, charging cords, spare keys, and other essentials to stay connected.
Supporting a friend in an abusive situation can be emotionally draining, and you may feel helpless or frustrated at times. It’s important to take care of your own mental and emotional health so that you can continue to be a strong source of support.
- Set boundaries: You may need to set boundaries to protect your own well-being while still offering help. Make sure you don’t take on too much emotionally, and remember that you’re not responsible for fixing the situation—you’re simply offering support.
- Seek support for yourself: VIP Advocates are here for YOU too! Call our hotline to speak with a counselor.
- Don’t tell them to “just leave”: This can be frustrating for you, but it can also be damaging to your friend. The complexities of leaving an abuser go far beyond just packing up and leaving.
- Don’t confront the abuser: If you’re in contact with the abuser, confronting them could escalate the situation and make your friend’s safety more vulnerable.
- Don’t make them feel pressured: Understand that leaving an abusive relationship is difficult and can involve many emotional, psychological, and logistical barriers.
SAFETY PLANNING
A safety plan is a proactive, personalized and strategic tool designed to help a victim of domestic violence protect themselves, especially during an emergency or while preparing to leave the relationship. It’s essential to remember that safety plans should be kept in a place the abuser cannot access, and the victim should review and update the plan regularly as circumstances change. The ultimate goal is to minimize risk and empower the victim to take control of their safety when they need it most.
You can use this interactive guide (on a safe phone or computer) to create a safety plan for yourself OR help a friend create their plan. For more help with safety planning, call VIP’s 24-hour hotline!
https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/#gf_1